in this room (1996)...

March 30, 1996
In this room, eleven floors up, I can see the city skyline and view of Puget Sound, the deep blue water as the sun sets on a beautiful Spring day.
in this room, where the windows don't open I can hear the muffled sounds of the city, life humming at a frantic speed.
In this room, there are deafening noises, muffled breaths, silent voices.
In this room, where death patiently waits and miracles hover in the wings.
In this room, lies a small, frail woman of about seventy years.  Her red hair now mostly white.  Her beautiful peaches and cream skin thin as tissue paper.  Her fiery green eyes closed, no expression at all.
In this room, lies my mother.
The first woman in my life, the one who nurtured me, held me up, watched me grow.  The one who was my best friend, who called me most days and would send the dogs out looking for me if I was late.  The one who boldly stood at my side as the doctors told me my son had died, who defied the nurses to see him and baptize him. The one, the strong one, the one who knew 'everything,' the one I needed now more than ever before.  The one.
In this room, I stood holding her hands, praying her prayers, calling her name.  
In this room, I watched her last breath.
In this room where so many lives have hung in the balance I said good-bye.
In this room I stood alone and cried. 

 In memory of my mother Therese who left this earth 19 years ago, leaving me with an empty space that can never be filled again.  There hasn't been a day that I haven't wondered how I could get through this life without her in it and now suddenly it's been 19 years.  I hope I've done it well.


 Sometimes the most painful chapters of our lives —- are the most meaningful chapters of our lives.

Serendipity or coincidence?

SERENDIPITY

1. The faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident.
2. The fact or occurrence of such discoveries.
3. An instance of making such a discovery.

I almost chose serendipity as my word for 2015, then decided to go with be.  Something told me, after much deliberation, to use be.  What was that something?  My heart?  My head?  Serendipity? Co-incidence?  I am not a believer in coincidence.  (A sequence of events that although accidental seems to have been planned or arranged. )  Every part of me believes that everything happens for a reason.  The Universe is a living, breathing, entity and we may never know the how's or why's of it's working.  With that said there are so many things that happen without apparent cause and my heart wants so desperately to believe in the occurrence of some message or meaning held within.

a little story;

last weekend I took my grandgirl to a Princess Tea.  Leading up to and for many days afterward I had been thinking of my mother.  She was an English/Irish red-headed tea drinker.  We grew up drinking tea at meals and I hold some very dear memories of our times together shared over a cup of tea. Not surprising that she has been on my mind.

Yesterday my ex-SIL, whom is one of my besties now, called and we decided to meet for coffee.  It was a wonderful sunny day and I was excited to see her and my niece and to tell them all about tea with Maude. When my friend C came into the coffee shoppe and sat down she pulled out a package, for me.  I thought it was a belated Christmas gift as we had not gotten a chance to visit before the holidays.  No she said, "it's something that has been in the back of my closet for years and I just keep forgetting to bring it to you."  Me??  She thought perhaps that it was something my Mother had bought and put away for one of her daughter's or grand-daughter's.  I opened the box and was overcome.  It was a miniature tea set.

Not something my mom collected but it is something she would have liked.  I think maybe it was something my dad picked up on his travels, put away, forgot about it, and died.   It's been 19years since she passed away and for this to pop up now tugs at my heart so.  I stopped on the way home and bought some roses, her favourite, to add to the display.  It wasn't until I was loading these photos that I noticed a faint rose design on the set.  My eyes are over-flowing and my heart is overwhelmed.  I don't know who it was meant for but somehow it trickled down to me, who happens to collect them for her grandgirl.  So what do you say...Serendipity? or Co-incidence?  My heart says one but my Spock-like brain says the other.  I think I will just enjoy and give this one over to the Universe.   ~j

 

well, she's gone to meet her maker....

on the anniversary of my mother's death I want to remember,
 ...she loved sunny skies and rainbows,

she loved a day at the beach,
shopping for trinkets,
and reading a great mystery.
she was funny and fiery,
and a very complicated soul

she loved flowers and spring
and the wonderful fresh bounty that
the summer's market would bring

 she loved sleepy babies, her own but more so
her beautiful grandbabies.  she would have given anything
to see them grown with families of their own

 but she had places to go, things to do,
gone to save her soul.

and it's way past my bedtime,
well past my bedtime,
"Angel my angel fly over me angel."

Yes, I believed in you, I believe in you...but where did you go, dear mommy, where did you go?

791 Sundays...

letter to my Mother;

...16 years ago today I held your hand while you took your last breath. Part of me praying that this nightmare would end for you, part of me knowing the nightmare would be starting for me. As I left the room and headed for the parking lot it became crystal clear to me that now, as the eldest daughter, I was expected to know what to do, who to call, how to make the arrangements. In other words, I was now a grown-up. No longer would I be known as TT's daughter, I would be expected to be the keeper of all things. What you didn't know mama is that I hadn't the slightest idea how to be that person.

When my first-born-son died you were there. You were the one who talked with the doctors. You were the one who called the funeral home and made all the arrangements. You were the one who called the family to tell them of this horrible tragedy. You were the one who made sure he received the Blessing. I couldn't and until this day, sixteen years ago, I didn't realize just how hard that must have been for you. You did it without a word, without being asked, you stepped up to try and protect me. Did I ever thank-you for that?

I gathered the family, I made the calls and the arrangements and although it was not easy I insisted that you receive your Blessing. I stepped up and did it without a word, without being asked to try and protect daddy, to try and protect my siblings. It was my gift to you mom.

I look at the tulips and I think of you. I look at Maude and I see you in her eyes. I hear your laugh in my daughters voice. I see your hands when I look at my own. Your fiery red hair is turning white on my head. Your love of books is ablaze in my sons soul. Your Irish wit alive and well in your children.
The thief of time has taken you away from me but not from my memories. Those I hold dear to my heart...especially today, as you dance in heaven with my daddy and my son. Rest well mommy, I love you.

They called her T-Tee...

Today is my mothers Birthday. She's been gone so long now that I hardly remember her except for pictures. Her smile and laugh are absent from my memory, her voice when I answered the phone "Hi Hon..," gone.

She was a fiery red-head in every sense of the word and in every sense of that word I am her daughter.

To say I miss her does not do justice to the ache I have in my heart. I think of her every day of my life. I remember her last Birthday and how happy she was to have turned one of those big "0" milestone days....then she was gone, and I have never been the same.

I know, in my heart, that she is dancing in Heaven with my Pop, with my lost son Matthew in her arms, while Frank Sinatra sings "Fly Me to the Moon," and "The Summer Wind." Her children and grand-children are but a thought away, just as she is to us. i lOve YoU mOM.

Long distance operator...

after I lost my mother I put a note by the telephone to remind me that I could no longer call her. Good, bad, happy or sad, she was gone and I could not share with her in the same way. I still have the note. love and miss you every day mama.

dancing in heaven 13 years.