"the nicest and the sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens, but just those that bring simple pleasure, following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string."
Lucy Maud Montgomery

Thursday, October 30, 2014

It's, it's, it's...

a little Friday, Halloween, flashback to the '70's.

Does this not look like the truck from the movie "Duel?"  I can't tell you how many times I've watched that movie, I think it's one of the scariest, because it's too real and road rage can happen any day and any time.  Plus there's very little dialogue so it gives your mind a lot of time to fill in the 'blanks.'   (This was a photo taken at the pumpkin farm a few weeks ago.)

Happy Hallows' Eve 

Tuesday, October 28, 2014


I'm a dreamer in every sense of the word.  I can get lost in daydreams for hours at a time.  I can get lost in an old movie and become part of the time and place it was filmed in.  I dream every night, and I remember most of them.  Lately though, I have begun to lose my focus.  These dreams at night are so vivid, so real I can reach out and touch them.  I feel like I get 'stuck' between the dreamland and real life.  I have to shake myself awake, reassuring myself that I am dreaming, it's not real, it's not real.  I wake up confused and sad and crying.  Because the dreams, every one of them, are about my daddy.

he's been gone fifteen years now and I have dreamed of him most every night, they started as sweet little dreams where I would see him in the distance and run to catch up to him, or he would be in the next room and we would be carrying on a conversation.  Never did these dreams make me feel scared, worried, upset or a foreboding.

but, the last few weeks they have changed.  I am terrified to go to sleep and actually was still awake at 6a.m. this morning when I finally fell asleep and woke up at nine screaming and in tears.  Why?  Why would something change now? 
now, in the dreams, he is so close.  So close I can touch him, feel him, talk with him, just seconds away from holding him.  And now I wake up crying "don't go,"   "don't leave daddy, please."  I tell him I don't want to stay here anymore, that it's too hard, that I need to be where he is.  And where is my mother??  After 20 years I have never dreamed of her and she is not with him in my nocturnal life.
Today was the hardest.  We were at a store, shopping for something to drink, and I commented to a woman standing next to me about how all men of a certain age seem to look the same from the back, same type clothes, same older bodies, etc.  When he turned around I asked him if he got his orange juice.  He looked at me, right in the eyes, and started crying.  I tried to touch him but he was just out of reach.  He wouldn't tell me what was happening, he was crying so hard, and I was crying...and I woke myself up.

Very confused and out of sorts all day.  Thing is, if this was a once in awhile thing I could handle it but this is too much.  I have never told him I wanted to go with him, I haven't the courage to tell him these things.  I'm am scared, it is intruding on my nights and my days.  

There is another component to this but right now I just can't write it down.  Least to say I feel quite disturbed and out of focus.
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