"the nicest and the sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens, but just those that bring simple pleasure, following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string."
Lucy Maud Montgomery

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Monday snap gone awry...


it's been way too long since I've posted and even longer since I missed a 'Monday Snap."  Just don't have much to share or take 'snaps' of.  November is always that way for me.


It's my quiet time, sullen as my husband would say, although I looked it up and sullen is defined as "resentfully silent."   I think that may be possible.  I am a person with a lot of resentment, or I should say that I was a person with a lot of resentment.  Then one of those big uh-oh's happened and I had no choice but to change.  So I had to push some people away and learn how to live with disappointment, anger, grief and resentment.

For so many years after the loss of my son, I spent in anger and 'what-if's.'  I was consumed with what we had lost, and what should have been.  Every November I would crawl into my little hole and weep and mourn thinking only of the future that would never be.  Then a few years ago, quite by accident, I turned on an Oprah show.  Her guest that day was Gary ZukovEventually you will come to understand that love heals everything, and love is all there is.”  
He talked about mourning and the what-if's and was explaining that we should be counting our blessings instead.  That the person we were mourning for was a blessing that we should rejoice in.  Somehow, somewhere, someway, something touched my heart that day and I began thinking about all the things we did share in his short life.  Instead of focusing on the horrible way he left us I was eventually focusing on the good, the laughter, the joy, the tears and fears of being a first time parent, how perfect his little body was and the wonder of new life.  It's taken a long time but I finally learned that the hole doesn't seem as deep as before and I feel a little less sullen. 

This really isn't the post I set out to write but here it is in all it's gory details.  Sometimes you just need to get it out.  It's strange to talk about since so few people know the whole story.  Anyone who was there has since moved on to the afterlife and I have only two other people I've ever confided in.  BUT, I am feeling better, ready for the holiday season to get underway and celebrate my 41st wedding anniversary. Yikes!  take care all of you who take a moment to stop here.  I know I am loved and supported.

We all get through our hard times eventually, and always with a little help from above.    

9 comments:

  1. I have no words for this deeply touching and revealing post , but I want you to know I read it and it moved me.

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  2. My heart aches for you, Joanne...although I know that is not the intention of this post. There is nothing worse than having someone we love ripped away from us unexpectedly. I wish I could give you a hug and ease your pain but really the only ease of pain comes from a source well beyond our earthly friends.

    Blessings to you- I hope you have a good day, my friend. xo Diana

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  3. I feel for you. I've missed reading blogs for a while, and have missed you!

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  4. I think this is what you needed to write. How blessed you were that day you turned that show on, Joanne.
    41! Congratulations! One year ahead of us. :-D
    Have a blessed Thanksgiving, and a wonderful anniversary, Joanne.

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  5. It heals all of us to read this. I wish more people would just be honest about what they are going through, and quit trying to pretend everything is alright, when it is truly NOT! I can't begin to comprehend what you are feeling my friend... but please KNOW that it touched me deeply and I feel so honored to be one of your readers. I hope you can feel all the virtual hugs being sent your way...

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  6. You wrote what was in your heart and this is good, grieving for your son will always be there because he was a very important part of your life and you Love him, sharing with us helps to get it off your chest and also helps you to cope with losing him, keeping his memory alive is a good thing, and remembering the good times is important.

    Yes we do care about you, and celebrating your 41st soon is impressive Congratulations my dear friend on your anniversary.

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  7. What I feel is hard to put into words. Thank you for sharing with us, Joanne. I hope it helps to get it out into the sunshine of friendship. The beginning of December is hard for me for a similar reason, although I can't begin to imagine how you feel. p.s. congrats of 41!!!

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  8. I think it is easy to forget that a blog is your web log, your journal, your diary.
    I find it hard to be free sometimes and then I give myself permission to let it flow...it helps to be honest are where we are so we can navigate the next steps. You reminded me of something have been meaning to write...maybe after I finish the permissions I need to tend to and the wee bit of garden stuff I could do in the sun between the rains I will sit down to it. In the meantime...thanks for sharing.

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  9. I know that grieving comes and goes. I know you love your son and always will. I am glad you shared this with us! hugs!!!!

    Heather

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