Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Monday snap gone awry...
it's been way too long since I've posted and even longer since I missed a 'Monday Snap." Just don't have much to share or take 'snaps' of. November is always that way for me.
It's my quiet time, sullen as my husband would say, although I looked it up and sullen is defined as "resentfully silent." I think that may be possible. I am a person with a lot of resentment, or I should say that I was a person with a lot of resentment. Then one of those big uh-oh's happened and I had no choice but to change. So I had to push some people away and learn how to live with disappointment, anger, grief and resentment.
For so many years after the loss of my son, I spent in anger and 'what-if's.' I was consumed with what we had lost, and what should have been. Every November I would crawl into my little hole and weep and mourn thinking only of the future that would never be. Then a few years ago, quite by accident, I turned on an Oprah show. Her guest that day was Gary Zukov. Eventually you will come to understand that love heals everything, and love is all there is.”
He talked about mourning and the what-if's and was explaining that we should be counting our blessings instead. That the person we were mourning for was a blessing that we should rejoice in. Somehow, somewhere, someway, something touched my heart that day and I began thinking about all the things we did share in his short life. Instead of focusing on the horrible way he left us I was eventually focusing on the good, the laughter, the joy, the tears and fears of being a first time parent, how perfect his little body was and the wonder of new life. It's taken a long time but I finally learned that the hole doesn't seem as deep as before and I feel a little less sullen.
This really isn't the post I set out to write but here it is in all it's gory details. Sometimes you just need to get it out. It's strange to talk about since so few people know the whole story. Anyone who was there has since moved on to the afterlife and I have only two other people I've ever confided in. BUT, I am feeling better, ready for the holiday season to get underway and celebrate my 41st wedding anniversary. Yikes! take care all of you who take a moment to stop here. I know I am loved and supported.
We all get through our hard times eventually, and always with a little help from above.