"the nicest and the sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens, but just those that bring simple pleasure, following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string."
Lucy Maud Montgomery

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

focus....


I'm a dreamer in every sense of the word.  I can get lost in daydreams for hours at a time.  I can get lost in an old movie and become part of the time and place it was filmed in.  I dream every night, and I remember most of them.  Lately though, I have begun to lose my focus.  These dreams at night are so vivid, so real I can reach out and touch them.  I feel like I get 'stuck' between the dreamland and real life.  I have to shake myself awake, reassuring myself that I am dreaming, it's not real, it's not real.  I wake up confused and sad and crying.  Because the dreams, every one of them, are about my daddy.


he's been gone fifteen years now and I have dreamed of him most every night, they started as sweet little dreams where I would see him in the distance and run to catch up to him, or he would be in the next room and we would be carrying on a conversation.  Never did these dreams make me feel scared, worried, upset or a foreboding.

but, the last few weeks they have changed.  I am terrified to go to sleep and actually was still awake at 6a.m. this morning when I finally fell asleep and woke up at nine screaming and in tears.  Why?  Why would something change now? 
 
now, in the dreams, he is so close.  So close I can touch him, feel him, talk with him, just seconds away from holding him.  And now I wake up crying "don't go,"   "don't leave daddy, please."  I tell him I don't want to stay here anymore, that it's too hard, that I need to be where he is.  And where is my mother??  After 20 years I have never dreamed of her and she is not with him in my nocturnal life.
Today was the hardest.  We were at a store, shopping for something to drink, and I commented to a woman standing next to me about how all men of a certain age seem to look the same from the back, same type clothes, same older bodies, etc.  When he turned around I asked him if he got his orange juice.  He looked at me, right in the eyes, and started crying.  I tried to touch him but he was just out of reach.  He wouldn't tell me what was happening, he was crying so hard, and I was crying...and I woke myself up.

Very confused and out of sorts all day.  Thing is, if this was a once in awhile thing I could handle it but this is too much.  I have never told him I wanted to go with him, I haven't the courage to tell him these things.  I'm am scared, it is intruding on my nights and my days.  

There is another component to this but right now I just can't write it down.  Least to say I feel quite disturbed and out of focus.

9 comments:

  1. Joanne, I have only dreamed of my parents a couple times since they passed. But then I rarely sleep deep enough to dream..I have insomnia. I hope you can find some peace in your dreams. Maybe think pleasant things before bed time. Bless your heart, xoxo,Susie

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  2. Joanne, have you thought to go to a reputable therapist that you trust? There must be something that is triggering this constant focused dreaming and they may be able to help you realize things that may not be obvious.
    Wishing you peace and a good night's sleep.

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  3. OH- I am so so so sorry, Joanne. It is awful to be afraid to sleep. I dream, too, and remember them but I have not had the kind of dreams you are experiencing. Something is going to come of this- you know that in your heart. Something is trying to work its way out of your soul and once that happens you will be free, I hope. God bless you-Saying an extra prayer for you tonight. xo Diana

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  4. *hugs*
    Whenever I dream about family we are always separated, trying to find each other again. I sometimes have very vivid dreams and they leave me very tired.
    With all that's going on in the world, there is no telling how your dreams relate.
    Wish you had someone you knew well enough close by that you could talk to them.
    May God comfort you. ♥

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  5. Wishing you some sweet dreams to compensate, Joanne. It's rough to dread going to sleep--hope it changes soon!

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  6. Oh Jojo I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree with NanaDiana that something will come out of this and with LindaG about all in the world triggering it. It may be a good idea to speak with a therapist. I have one and a psychiatrist to boot! Something that needs to come out or just something is triggering it. I wish you peace and a good nights sleep hon xoxo

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  7. I also agree that it would be a good idea to talk with someone.

    Hoping you feel better soon

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  8. I just read this and know how stressful and worrisome these dreams can be. I have periods where I experience traumatic conversations and searchings in dreams just like you have been. I also believe like your other commentors that something is working it's way through your subconscious and trying to "set it right" in your heart. Talking with a professional or even a close friend could help give you insight,or perhaps writing down your feelings upon awakening and detailing the events in the dream might help you see a pattern.

    After a very severe bout I actually slept in another room and bed facing a different direction (north) which I've always believed helps me? The dreams did not reoccur and I had a long period of beneficial rest. My bed always faced north until my divorce and then I found it necessary to rearrange the room for a healthier outlook..painted the ceiling blue and bought all new linens and curtains...perhaps a soothing change in your bed?
    I pray for you to find a calming grace. <3

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