I'm a dreamer in every sense of the word. I can get lost in daydreams for hours at a time. I can get lost in an old movie and become part of the time and place it was filmed in. I dream every night, and I remember most of them. Lately though, I have begun to lose my focus. These dreams at night are so vivid, so real I can reach out and touch them. I feel like I get 'stuck' between the dreamland and real life. I have to shake myself awake, reassuring myself that I am dreaming, it's not real, it's not real. I wake up confused and sad and crying. Because the dreams, every one of them, are about my daddy.
he's been gone fifteen years now and I have dreamed of him most every night, they started as sweet little dreams where I would see him in the distance and run to catch up to him, or he would be in the next room and we would be carrying on a conversation. Never did these dreams make me feel scared, worried, upset or a foreboding.
but, the last few weeks they have changed. I am terrified to go to sleep and actually was still awake at 6a.m. this morning when I finally fell asleep and woke up at nine screaming and in tears. Why? Why would something change now?
now, in the dreams, he is so close. So close I can touch him, feel him, talk with him, just seconds away from holding him. And now I wake up crying "don't go," "don't leave daddy, please." I tell him I don't want to stay here anymore, that it's too hard, that I need to be where he is. And where is my mother?? After 20 years I have never dreamed of her and she is not with him in my nocturnal life.
Today was the hardest. We were at a store, shopping for something to drink, and I commented to a woman standing next to me about how all men of a certain age seem to look the same from the back, same type clothes, same older bodies, etc. When he turned around I asked him if he got his orange juice. He looked at me, right in the eyes, and started crying. I tried to touch him but he was just out of reach. He wouldn't tell me what was happening, he was crying so hard, and I was crying...and I woke myself up.
Very confused and out of sorts all day. Thing is, if this was a once in awhile thing I could handle it but this is too much. I have never told him I wanted to go with him, I haven't the courage to tell him these things. I'm am scared, it is intruding on my nights and my days.
There is another component to this but right now I just can't write it down. Least to say I feel quite disturbed and out of focus.