...the road to recovery, the long, and winding road that leads to recovery. Uh-oh, I'm getting my songs mixed up again. I haven't been around here much lately but I checked in tonight and, after reading all your comments, decided I should say something. I can't guarantee that it will be anything coherent but then again, I am "random."
I got an e-mail telling me that I over-share. That no one really needs or wants to know the difficult details of my life. Well, that is exactly why I started blogging, not looking for sympathy but empathy. Looking for others who have shared this difficult journey, maybe learning something from them that will help me, maybe helping them in turn. So feel free to "X"it out of here because if I was to really share this ride, if I really was to share the details, the defeats, the crying, screaming, nightmare of having someone cut off your leg, bit by bit, you would be physically sick to your stomach.
I won't lie, I haven't yet, but I won't tell 'all.' This has been difficult. I know I've been here before but that doesn't make it any easier. If anything it makes it harder. The first time I was naive, I was stupid in fact, believing the doctor and how wonderful my life would be after the surgery. He left out a lot of things, little things of everyday life that no one thinks about and takes for granted. Now it's different. It's sixteen years later, I'm not the same person with the sunny attitude and positive outlook. The one who wanted to get this over with so I could be back with my family, raise my children. Well, now they are raised and I am different. I don't have the same strength that I used to have, I'm older, jaded, heavier...makes it hard to move from one place to another on one leg. And I don't care.
That last thread is unraveling. And yes, I know there is much sorrow and loss, so much pain in our extended world right now but no, this is not a plea for pity. It is what it is. It's not depression, I know depression by name. It's just so hard and there is no end in sight...more surgery, more chipping away at my poor leg. More recovery...more dust, and doctor appointments and husbands who are fed up. More, more, more.
And then I came here and read your comments. I started to feel not so alone. Like a whisper to my soul you have touched me, touched my heart with your words of tenderness. Mercy.
~~~to all my friends and loved ones in the mid-west, in the track of the storms, in the face of the fear, please be safe. When the walls come tumbling down we will be there~~~
please help if you can; American Red Cross