... most days the horror of that afternoon have faded to a distant memory. Sometimes I think it happened to someone else life, but all too often you are there to remind me. Remind me that we should be five and not four, three and not two. That just out of reach...just over there...someone is missing. An emptiness that is always in my heart always tugging at my bleeding soul, whispering "momma, are you there." And there is a darkness that separates us.
I try, really, so very hard to wear the face that is expected of me. After all I shouldn't be grieving this way after so many years. I try to keep your beautiful face close and remember the time we spent together, sharing, playing, singing, laughing...but without fail, this time of year, it all comes crashing back and I am there again. It is as if I am watching from across the room as they try so desperately to save you. In reality I am. Watching the most horrific of real life movies. No mother should have to watch as her son takes his last breath...and then she is filled with the darkness.
"darkness, darkness, be my pillow
take my hand and let me sleep.
In the coolness of your shadow
in the silence of your deep.
darkness, darkness, hide the yearning
for the things that cannot be,
take away, the constant turning
towards the things I cannot see
take away, take away the pain of knowing
fill the emptiness with light.
fill the emptiness with light."
lyrics by Jesse Colin Young
sleep well my beautiful boy...momma's here.