...In a recent post I alluded to "Mama Pajama," and a few people asked/commented/e-mailed me wondering what/who/where that is.
For those of you who have been with me awhile you know that I suffer from clinical depression. With medication and lots of vitamins and light I am usually able to keep it controllable. Though in doing so I often lose a part of myself...it's like pushing down one thing to keep from feeling another if that makes any sense at all. And I have no doubt that it makes little sense to anyone who has not suffered with depression.
I am not talking about the blue days we all have or the down times we experience occasionally. Nor am I talking about Seasonal Affective Disorder, although I am quite sensitive to light changes. I am talking about the soul sucking, life draining, all enveloping darkness that comes to stay, sets up camp, and won't leave...ever. The kind of darkness where you can see a light, oh so far away and so very, very small, but you have no way of moving toward it. No way of climbing up, over or out. And the days go on and on and slowly turn into a nightmare and you begin to wonder if there might be another way out.
There is always a way out right?
I have named her "Mama Pajama," since all I want to do is stay in my pajamas, crawl in a hole and block everything else out of my mind, and my mind's eye. I have known her many, many years and I suspect that she often controlled my mother and my sister. (Though in those days it was never spoken of and, heaven forbid, treated.)
In the last few years and with the help of blogger, I have learned to make friends with Mama Pajama. I know when she is near, I know her knock at the door...after all she does have manners! I know what to expect and finally, finally, I know how to cope. It is not easy and takes a lot of work to keep her at bay. It takes constant vigilance and much help from those closest to me. But I know, and I always will, that it is a slippery slope and that at any moment I can be shoved over the edge into the darkness again. I can't ever let my guard down...and it is exhausting.
So when and if I reference dear old "Mama P" you know that she is coming down the street with her eye on my home ready to crash in and suck the life and light out of me. Guards up though and the security light is on...