"the nicest and the sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens, but just those that bring simple pleasure, following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string."
Lucy Maud Montgomery

Thursday, July 14, 2011

A long, hard look...

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...every so often life requires us, by circumstance, to take a step back and take a good, hard, difficult look at ourselves.  That has certainly been the case for me as of late and as much as I try to keep my personal life off of the blog this issue has seeped into every pore of my soul and is tearing at the fabric of my being.

I know that you are all aware of my health issues but there is much, much more that I don't share in that regard, and, at times I have skimmed over the troubles I have with my extended family.  I have no desire to turn this blog into a tell--all of the dysfunctional passive aggressive middle school mentality of said family, nor is it an attempt to solicit sympathy.   It's just me and my little heart in a bad place.

Yep, I've got my judgy-pants on, again.  It's not something I am proud of and truth be told I do my best to not be a judgemental person.  Those judgy-pants don't fit me well anymore and that is something I have striven very diligently to accomplish.  But, we are all human and all put those pants on occasionally.  The trick is to not get too comfortable in them and that is where this becomes so difficult for me.  You see, those certain people are quite used to wearing the judgy-pants.  They fit like a glove and are the most comfortable thing they own, and I can't be a part of someone who is thus so comfortable.

If I remove myself from the situation then I change the dynamics of our family.  I will be choosing to not share holidays/special days/summer days/birthdays/any days with the only people I am related to that are still alive.  I will be making a choice that will affect my marriage and my relationship with my children.  But in every sense of the word I will be choosing to save my own life.  I feel so torn right now, so broken that my trust has been shattered.  I feel battered and bruised by the very ones who know who I really am but choose to see something different.

Time to take my judgy-pants off before they get too comfortable.

18 comments:

  1. Dear Jojo,
    There comes a time when you just need to protect yourself and get the toxic people out of your life.
    Here are some good thoughts on this.
    Go to: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/no-more-regrets/201101/want-be-happier-steer-clear-toxic-people
    Maybe it will help. Try not to feel guilty about this. Life will change for the better. These kinds of people will kill your self esteem. This is about survival.
    This is something you need to do.

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  2. Sweet JoJo most of the time we ourselves are the only ones who know what we need or what we need to do in any given situation. You just do what you feel you have to do to keep your sanity and be able to live with yourself. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that soon everything works out for you. Hugs

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  3. I totally agree with farmlady and mumsyranblings! Please take their advice and stay true to yourself. I am so sorry that things are tough for you right now. I can totally relate, but it isn't with family that I struggle with. Why do people with the "judgy-pants" feel they can win? It is OK to distance yourself from poisonous people. You don't need that! Take care of YOU!

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  4. *Hugs* Jojo. I'm sorry you feel this way, and I'm really sorry that there is a need for you to have to feel this way.

    But you have a blog to share things and they say sharing the pain halves it, or more, so I hope sharing with us has helped you in some small way.

    God bless. ♥

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  5. Dearest Jojo,

    Trust yourself. Trust your feelings. Trust your instincts.

    I, too, have had to limit exposure to some members of my family who seem intent on keeping me in a fixed spot withing the dynamics of our family. I don't intend to stay in their limiting and shallow little boxes, even though my growing and expanding seems to make them so very much more uncomfortable than it should.

    Go forward. Your family will either catch up with you, or they will stay behind. That is up to them and you have no responsibility in their decision.

    Sending you big hugs and lots of good clean energy your way today, dear friend. May you find peace in your journey. ♥

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  6. Oh, Jojo! that is so hard, I know! I hope it gets better for you!


    Heather

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  7. blech. Family stuff. Been there, still there, got the soul-sucking t-shirt *~*
    if you need someone to vent to- I'm yer gal :)

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  8. Oh sweetie I am so sorry you have been hurt. But I think you are making a good choice not to put yourself through anymore negative vibes that come from these relationships. I will be praying for you and hoping that you are able to protect yourself emotionally from the poison in your life.
    sending hugs...

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  9. Oh sweetie, I agree with everyone else and do understand. I have used "judge" and "toxic" in my talks to myself, just in the past few days!

    We dearly love these people, but if being around them is hurting us, then we need to take a break. Maybe it's only for a short time until we can replenish the good feelings about ourselves and build up our tough exterior.

    We're here for you and seriously, we are all pretty much in the same boat. It's not as pretty out there as we think it is :)

    Love you!!

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  10. Self preservation is crucial. I have long struggled with a martyr complex being nice to persons who would never do the same for me. You are brave. In my mind I often think of screaming and running away to freedom. Embrace freedom. Go for it. Be in a happier place with no apologies. karmen

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  11. First of all, I'm so sorry!

    Secondly, I too have the dysfunctional passive aggressive middle school mentality of said family! Parents and siblings and their families...and on both sides..mine and his. Yes, no more holidays or birthdays...no more grandparents for my boys. It's horrible and devastating. I just want you to know that I can relate 100%.

    I also know that after years of trying to be a peacemaker, that I have peace in myself knowing that I did everything I could although I totally rejected. That is on them and they will answer for it some day.

    BIG HUGS!!!! Praying for a positive outcome even when it seems hopeless ...and wisdom for you to do what is best for yourself.

    xxoo

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  12. Whomever said that "Life is a bowl of cherries" is a PollyAnna. I came by here this evening to tell you how much you mean to me and your lifting me up is so very special to me. I think we all have asshole/idiots in our family (you are much nicer than this old Okie). But I understand how hard it is... just last night as I was crying myself to sleep I was thinking I just cannot do this anymore. Not thinking about doing myself harm, just getting out of a bad situation that I have tried my damndest to fix... You also know about trying to fix people and things. But for the most part I can look in the mirror and smile at the person I see. I am a child of God and he doesn't make bad things. People make bad things happen for whatever reason but you can be so poisoned by those people.

    I am here for you... anytime.

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  13. Truth be told, we all have our dysfunctions and dysfunctional family members. Guess what I did last Christmas Eve...boycotted the annual festivities at my mother-in-laws house. 22 years is long enough to put up with 'it'- I'll spare you the details. Stayed home alone and watched 'Eat, Pray, Love' which was a considerable improvement over the alternative. Things are still tense; but I have gained something wonderful...self respect. Do what's right. Bottom line.

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  14. You, thank goodness for bloggers. They do a good job of making you feel better. Love Me

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  15. Judgy pants, smudgy pants! I don't consider this a 'bad' place to be on occasion.....life necessitates us to step back and take a look.
    We ought to do this more often. Some people never do this for fear of what they may see and the decisions that they may have to make.
    We have every right to do this. Jojo, who else knows you better than yourself.
    It appears, no it is a fact, that stress directly effects our well being.....sometimes in a minor but irritating way, and other times more dramatically.....with disease.
    If we don't have the right to 'make changes' in our lives, who does and who will?
    If the 'extended family' cared enough (which it appears they don't)about you and your well being,you wouldn't be at this point of 'cutting them off', which by the way, I would.Life is too short and we get only this chance to do so.
    You are a very courageous woman Jojo.....listen to YOUR 'soul'.
    Gee, you got me going here....all families have this going on to some degree......mine is alive and well with it!!! Good luck.
    Jim

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  16. I do understand, as Framlady said you need to choose to keep away from toxic people- I have one VERY close & another still too close. They have destroyed any semblance of trust, when that happens you must protect yourself! Not only iwll it destroy your slef esteem as FL said but it will destroy your health, Jojo, especially when it is fragile to begin with.
    Hugs & prayer for your peace of mind & healing for your wounded heart my dear.
    God bless you.

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  17. oh boy...i completely get where you are coming from!!! i get all oodgy just thinking about my fam. er

    i would never put up with some of the things my mother does if.....she wasn't my mother. why is that?

    you are doing the right thing....

    hang in there....

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  18. Sweet JoJo like all your other dear friends I hate like heck your going through this kind of hurt.
    It happens in most all families and like you I grew up thinking so differently.
    I wish I knew what to say to make things better for you. Sad we have to make such decisions. I am going through this now too but more so with the unprofessional young people that have been hired since I was hurt. I too need to decide if I should give up trying to deal with their toxic actions and start over somewhere else. Life is too short but when its family like you it is harder to deal with.
    I am a phone call away honey
    Love ya
    Maggie

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