...every so often life requires us, by circumstance, to take a step back and take a good, hard, difficult look at ourselves. That has certainly been the case for me as of late and as much as I try to keep my personal life off of the blog this issue has seeped into every pore of my soul and is tearing at the fabric of my being.
I know that you are all aware of my health issues but there is much, much more that I don't share in that regard, and, at times I have skimmed over the troubles I have with my extended family. I have no desire to turn this blog into a tell--all of the dysfunctional passive aggressive middle school mentality of said family, nor is it an attempt to solicit sympathy. It's just me and my little heart in a bad place.
Yep, I've got my judgy-pants on, again. It's not something I am proud of and truth be told I do my best to not be a judgemental person. Those judgy-pants don't fit me well anymore and that is something I have striven very diligently to accomplish. But, we are all human and all put those pants on occasionally. The trick is to not get too comfortable in them and that is where this becomes so difficult for me. You see, those certain people are quite used to wearing the judgy-pants. They fit like a glove and are the most comfortable thing they own, and I can't be a part of someone who is thus so comfortable.
If I remove myself from the situation then I change the dynamics of our family. I will be choosing to not share holidays/special days/summer days/birthdays/any days with the only people I am related to that are still alive. I will be making a choice that will affect my marriage and my relationship with my children. But in every sense of the word I will be choosing to save my own life. I feel so torn right now, so broken that my trust has been shattered. I feel battered and bruised by the very ones who know who I really am but choose to see something different.
Time to take my judgy-pants off before they get too comfortable.