"the nicest and the sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens, but just those that bring simple pleasure, following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string."
Lucy Maud Montgomery

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Seven...

...sitting on the edge of the bed, taking off my shoes for the day, brings to mind another day so long ago, when I ached to talk to you much like I do now.

We were all at a  birthday party together and from the get-go I knew something was not right.  When I came over to talk to you your big brown eyes (when did your eyes turn brown?) flashed at me as if lightening in the sky.  I could feel the anger emanating from your every pore.  I didn't understand what was happening or why, and to this day I still do not know.

I called you that night, while sitting on the edge of my bed taking off my shoes.  I desperately needed to talk to you, to hear your voice.  The voice of our mother.  You didn't answer the phone but the words I heard next were devastating.  "I was no longer welcome in your life, I would never be allowed to speak to you again."  What could be so egregious that you would have him tell me that.  Why couldn't you tell me what it was.

A few days later I had a heart attack no doubt brought on by the stress of grieving yet another loss in my life.  I thought that what ever it was between us that you would find a way to be with me but I was wrong.  I've been wrong so many times.  For all of my days and nights that I have left I will never be able to understand how you could walk away.

I haven't forgotten you.  Not a day passes that you don't come to mind.  I've sent you cards and letters, e-mail, texts, phone messages and even sought you out on facebook.  For what ever reason you do not respond back, not a word, not a worry.  When will I learn.

I still grieve for you, for us.  Not only did I lose my sister, my friend, my confidant and partner in crime...my children lost their aunt.  It is unforgiveable that you would walk away from them.  And now, now that I have something happy and wonderful to share with you I am once again at a loss.  Sometimes it is overwhelming.

15 comments:

  1. Jojo, I am so sad to read your pain ... sometimes we just have to move on in life, never understanding the reasons of issues that occur. I wish I could just give you a hug, my friend.

    Have a lovely summer's eve ~
    TTFN ~ Hugs, Marydon

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  2. This has got to be the biggest heartbreak. I'm so, so sorry dear friend.
    hugs

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  3. Oh my goodness Jojo... this is so raw and perfectly articulates your loss. I am so very sorry and will be praying for you and your sister. Hang in there though, Dear One, even when all seems lost things can turn around.

    (((BIG HUGS)))

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  4. Hi sweetie...Thanks for droppin' by the Yaya and your sweet comment! Now, as I read your post, I am not sure of what has happened, but your pain comes through in your writings. I pray whatever is hurting you...that your heart will heal soon! xo...deb

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  5. I'm so sorry you are in pain and wounded.

    You may have to let go of the person you love but no one can ask you to stop loving them.

    The power of forgiveness, the power of grace.

    I wish you both.

    Suzan

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  6. Jojo, I love you and so feel your pain. I understand the situation all to well, now my sister is gone and I can never see her again. It hurts Jojo, but know that you have us out there that love you and would love to hear all the fun things and not so fun things in your life. Let's lean on each other, friend.( soon to be grandma!!)
    Love, hugs and thoughts.

    God Bless~
    Debbie Jean

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  7. I hardly know what to say. There are somethings that happen in life that are unexplainable and if there is no reasonable explination then there can only be forgiveness and letting go.
    Don't let you family suffer for this too. Try to let the pain go or it will destroy more than your relationship with your sister.
    I'm so sorry.

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  8. JoJo, I am so sorry..the loss of something that makes no sense is horrible. I ache with you. Just remember the good things in your life and the bigger loss is hers..

    hugs
    Barb

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  9. It's even worse because you have no idea what it is that occurred. One day you have a sister and the next day you don't -- not because of something beyond anyone's control, but because she has chosen to live her life without a sister. I'm so sorry.

    You cannot change her, Jojo, and you've spent so much time trying to figure it out. Please try to accept her rejection as being her problem and her loss. I'm glad that you're a part of my blog life...if you were closer, I would love you to be a part of my real life.

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  10. Reading how badly you are hurting is saddening but one thing I have learned is to work with what you have. My best friend and I have often laughed together at the fact that sometimes our exposure to negative family experiences can take months, and even years to get over (including tons of expensive therapy) but in the end, we are so blessed to have found each other. We can share our hurt and in many ways this dear friend has become my sister, and I hers. God often puts additional "sisters" in our lives to help us during our earthly walk. I hope healing comes and I wish for you much peace.

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  11. How sad it is that the ones we love the most are capable of hurting us the most.

    I pray for a reconciliation with your sister. This is worse than death.

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  12. Oh my dear JoJo. I am so sorry about this and it makes me sad. I will pray that God will speak to your sister. ((hugs)) for you my sister.
    <><

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  13. If you like you can come and sit with me and we will just sit together and cry about it. Since I'm already crying I will cry for you too. I really can say that I do understand. I"m sorry. People are just stupid. Life is to short for this kind of crap and needless pain.

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  14. Oh JoJo, my heart is absolutely breaking after reading this post. How could she???? You have the kindest soul and the sweetest spirit. There should never be anything that cannot be repaired, especially when you have no idea what happened! You know how I feel about this and what I think about aunts walking away from their nieces and nephews. Your sister should be absolutely ashamed of herself for not being there after your heart attack. All should have been forgotten at that exact moment!

    I am so sorry, JoJo. I know how special it would be to share your grandbaby with your sister. But, maybe, just maybe, she doesn't deserve that honor at this point in her life. It breaks my heart to have to be so frank, but you know where I am coming from.

    With distant healing hugs,
    Debbie

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  15. If you have your sister's email, you can search out any social networks that she might have signed up on at flowtown.com. That is, if you decide you ever want to.

    More hugs,
    Deb

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