Knowing Bill...

William A. Fairbanks

Bill

Wild Bill

Bill was born in a small town in Iowa, surrounded by corn fields and hog farms. In the summer he would play in those fields and earned money picking corn and green beans. He would watch his father walk home from the hog farms for lunch and a nap every afternoon and evening. He played ball and fished with his older brother. And learned early on that growing up in a small town could be costly.

Today we buried Bill.

Bill was my husbands cousin. There were five boy cousins all around the same ages and would often spend time together in the summers.

They went fishing and hiking in New Mexico.

They went fishing and played ball in Minnesota. Grandpa taking them all to the occasional Twins game.

They spent Christmas in Amarillo when it snowed and drifts were as high as the roof. Sometimes they rode go-carts and just played in the dirt. And sometimes they just bothered their sisters.

It was a sad day on so many levels.

Bill was only 53 and passed after a short illness.

He came home from work tired and quiet, not feeling himself.

A few days later he died of liver failure.

It's sick to see a parent lose a child.

His parents moved out here after retirement and he and his family quickly followed. He was married with two boys of his own then, and would soon add another boy.

His boys...his pride and joy. His life.

He taught them to fish, and they played at the beach, and brought them up to be fine young men. Responsible young men.

There was a chill in the air today

Not as many people attended as we had hoped, we wanted to see everyone again. It seems like that is the only time we see everyone anymore. Death...sneaking up on us and making us reflect on our own families and relationships. Desperate to make enough time to put everything in place knowing all well that once we go home from here today nothing will really change.

I met them shortly after they moved here immediately taking a liking to his wife. Our children played together while we visited and the men were off doing men-things. We spent Christmas's together and had summer BBQ. One year Bill drew my name for the Christmas party. He gave me a beautiful music-box. Inside, the depiction of an old Towne Christmas. It's beautiful, I still have it.

William A. Fairbanks

son of Miff and Donna

brother of Casey

father of Landon, Dustin, Alex

cousin of Scott, Craig, David, Ann, Beth, Jenni,

friend.

Eternal Echoes

our life is an echo

of our essence

as it is

caught between our yesterday

and our tomorrow.

it is the resounding reality

of who we are

as a result

of where we have been

and where we will be

for eternity.

mattie j.t. stepanek

journey through heartsongs

Say It Ain't So...

I thought I would be a little less intense for awhile and do the "Google" thing. Here's the scoop...put your blog name in the Google search and add "needs." Here goes: My Random Insanities Needs:

*to be on the lookout for the perfect WM.
(what is WM and why does it have to be capitalized?)

*some colour correction.
(well, yeah...does it mean something different with a "u"? )

*no negativity to bring me down.
(Yeah, man.)

*to be increased.
(I'm really increased as much as I possibly can..I need to decrease.)

*to be burned.
(somethin's burnin'...must be love.)
(Kenny Rogers.)

*to be a member of a blog to comment.
(right.)

*to consider if cyber-bullying is real.
(my vote is yes, what about you?)

*waffles
(yummmmm!)

*more randomness
(I will take this under advisement.)

and finally:
*to cheer herself up.
(YES, indeed)

There you have it. Yay for the Google, I couldn't have done better myself! What are your "needs?"

Listen to your heart...(IV)

Thank you all for hanging in there with me, I know this is a rather long telling of the story but, I think it is an important one.

From my journal dated August 26,2003:
I woke up this morning at 5a.m. and felt like I was having a low blood sugar. I tried to sit up and take a chem-strip but I was so groggy and dizzy that I couldn't manage it. I ended up disconnecting my insulin pump just in case. Woke up again at 10 and finally managed to get up and to the bathroom. When I went down the hall to feed the dog I was suddenly very dizzy and nauseous. I had to lie on the floor for a few minutes. Finally, I managed to get the dog fed and outside but I felt just horrible. That's when I realized that it was afternoon. I am having a little trouble figuring out where I lost two hours. I must be having trouble processing the pain meds. I won't take it again until I feel less dizzy.

August 27, 2003
I have never felt so awful in my life. I am exhausted, dizzy, nauseous and scared. I have been sitting all day today...I can't get up. At this point I don't care what they find on the bone scan tomorrow...I just want this to stop. Tell me it's not my heart.

At this point the journal ends for several days. Looking back I believe the heart attack happened the day I passed out and lost several hours. I did go to the bone scan the next day. After being injected for the scan Scott and I went to breakfast. We had a few hours to wait before the scan part of the test. When we got back to the hospital and started heading to the radiology department I collapsed. Scott grabbed a wheelchair and ran me over to the E.R., all the time me saying that they had better not try and send me home this time. I was not leaving until someone figured out what was wrong. As I was being wheeled back into the room I distinctly remember hearing the triage nurse say, "she's back and now she's complaining of dizziness." I swear to you that after I was diagnosed I wanted to hunt her down and say "see, see...I was right...why couldn't you listen to me???"

After my initial diagnosis in the E.R. I was taken to the Coronary Care Unit where I stayed for a few days and was then moved to the medical floor. I had an angiogram, the morning after I was admitted, and it showed a 100% blockage of my right coronary artery. I have been told this is the most survivable type of heart attack and thus the reason I could have symptoms for so long beforehand. One of the most interesting and frustrating things was a comment from my doctor saying that if I had only come to the E.R. two days earlier they could have prevented the blockage. If only.

About a year later, in fact a year to the date, I had another angiogram performed by my new cardiologist. During the exam she found a tiny, tiny, leakage of blood in that artery. Upon calling a cardiac surgeon it was decided to try and clean out the artery as much as possible and a stent was placed. I had another angiogram about a year ago and everything appeared stable at that time.

I had no idea how emotionally exhausting it would be to read that journal and re-tell this experience. There were a few times I had to stop as I was starting to have panic attacks. They have been an unwelcome friend to me for quite some time now.
Time for a little rest...

Dismissed...

(yeah, it's a pity post but I'm long overdue!)

I went to my doctor on Thursday for my two week check-up. I also needed to have a certain prescription re-ordered as I knew i did not have enough to get through the weekend. This particular medication can not be 'refilled' but must have a new script each time it is ordered...thus the visit. Yesterday Scott dropped the script off at the pharmacy on his way home from work with the intention of picking it up today. Sounds easy right?? We went into the store today and I went over to pick up the meds. I gave my name and patiently waited for the tech to get my order. I could see her over behind the counter chatting quietly with the pharmacist. Soon the tech came back and with a sullen, almost frightened, look she told me the pharmacist could not fill the script. She attempted to explain the 'whys' and 'wherefors' to me but at that point I was not processing the information. All I could think of was not having any medication for another two-three days. I calmly asked her a few questions...mostly why???...when the pharmacist came over to explain that the script I had was for a refill and was not a new request. WTH?? Isn't it a new request if it is written on the prescription form and signed by the doctor and then hand taken over to the pharmacy?? We went round and round for several minutes at which point I asked her what was going to happen to me if I suddenly stopped taking this medication that I had been taking for over a year? Her reply was "people stop taking it everyday, how would I know how it's going to affect you." Seriously, am I just too stupid to live or is that extremely rude? She's the pharmacist...she's the one who went to school...isn't she the one who should be able to tell me the side effects of a certain medication? I asked to speak to another pharmacist and this being a Saturday there was none. I didn't know what to do and I was getting more and more upset and in more and more pain. I did manage to stay calm and I was trying to explain the situation to her and how I felt she was being quite rude but it was for naught. I came home with the new script in my hand and no meds. I have a call in to the 'on-call' physician...won't they be thrilled.

By the way, did I mention, this is only the third time I've been out of the house since I got hurt last June, with the exception of the doctor or hospital? Yeah, good times indeed.

***Update*** about three hours after we were home the above said pharmacist called. It seems she was looking through my records and indeed I do have an ongoing medication that is renewed every fifteen days with a new script. I can pick up the meds tomorrow. Still...this is just wrong...pity party over...

Heartfelt Friday...

the best and most beautiful

things in the world

cannot be seen or even touched.

They must be felt

with the heart.

Helen Keller

Listen to your heart...(III)

I have had comments from some saying that while they appreciate my telling of my experience they didn't feel they had to worry about it since they had no family history. ( My siblings included) At the time of my heart attack, of the seven risk factors, I had only one...diabetes. There is no history of heart disease or diabetes in my family, I was not over-weight, I was active and my diabetes was under good control. If I had taken the risk-factor test the day before my "event" it would have been .4% likely-hood of having a problem in the next five years. Don't be fooled into denial because of your family history!

From my journal:
August 15, 2003
I am still very uncomfortable. Went to Dr. J. this morning for a nerve injection in my leg to see if it would help with the pain. We are walking in a 24-hour Relay for Life tonight and I am hoping to feel well enough to participate. I told the Dr. about my most recent trip to the E.R. and the first thing he asked me was, "did they check your heart?" I found that a little strange but I told him that I had been assured that all was well with my heart.
August 18, 2003
I spent the weekend doing nothing. It seems that I just can't find the energy to accomplish anything. Getting up and dressed is too much work for me. My back hurts so bad now and the pain is radiating around my rib cage to the front. This is just not right. I have had colitis before and it wasn't like this. I keep asking Scott if this could be my heart and he keeps reassuring me that it has been checked. I see my PCP in a couple of days...
August 21, 2003
Went to the PCP today, still not feeling any relief from this overall feeling of pain and doom. He thinks perhaps I have somehow fractured a rib thus causing the band of pain from front to back and has ordered a bone scan. It can't be done until next week. Meanwhile, he says to rest and has increased my pain meds. I have had a rib fracture before and this is not the same kind of pain. I'm getting quite worried and very weary...

**note: at this point I was feeling completely dismissed by the medical community and was quite fearful that I was going to die. It was that 'feeling' that I just couln't shake.

Listen to your heart (II)...

Before I continue with my heart-attack story there are a few things I need to clear up. First of all thank-you all SO much for your kind well-wishes for Jeffrey's birthday. He and I both appreciated your comments.

Earlier this week I left a comment on another blog which some of you have inquired about. It was in reference to a meme about who you would like to spend five-minutes with and I answered my son. And while I cherish every moment I spend with Jeffrey I was referring to my son Matt. Jeffrey is our second-born son and was our joyous, heart-healing blessing fifteen months after the passing of his older brother Matt. I have posted a few times about him but never in detail and perhaps that is something I will be able to do one of these days.



I began my 'heart' story in June 2003 as that is when I remember starting to have symptoms. I should add here that six months prior to this I had a complete heart workup. I was not symptomatic at that time but was nearing a big '0' birthday and with the diabetes and all my doc and I thought it prudent. I had a CT calcium scoring test, and stress-induced treadmill test with ultrasound and even went as far as having an angiogram. All of which I passed with flying colors. The doctor proclaiming that he could not believe that I was diabetic. Thus, six months later when I was having these odd symptoms there was no reason for anyone to think they were heart related. No Excuses though since women's symptom are very different and can come on quickly.



The next few weeks are kind of a blurr in my mind. I know that I did tell my PCP of my foreboding. He knew me well enough to check out some things and did do EKG and blood work which were normal. I began keeping a journal around this time as I was truly concerned for my mortality and I wanted "proof" that I wasn't crazy.



From my journal dated August 12, 2003:

Scott and I have just returned from a trip to Oregon along the Columbia River and Mt. Hood. We had gone up to the mountain to do some hiking but ended up staying in the lodge due to a sudden hail/snow storm. I was secretly relieved though as there is no way I could have managed a hike. I have been so tired lately, fatigued really. I have been to five doctors in the last month complaining of fatigue, restlessness and insomnia. Everything checks out o.k. but I am not feeling any better and even have stopped going to the gym, I just can't find the energy to workout. Last night I got up from a chair and had a sudden pain in the middle of my back, a kind of cramping really. I lay down for awhile and felt some relief although I wonder if I gave myself a panic attack as my heart was racing and I was having some flutters. Scott didn't think any of this sounded good especially since I have felt so bad lately so we went to the E.R. (again) . No real answers. I did ask if it could be my heart but the tests were all negative. After a gallbladder ultrasound, kidney x-rays, a CT scan, EKGs (more than one) and chest films they decided there was nothing else to do and commented that "I'd probably be back." The attitude being that I am a little 'off.' The doc thinks that I may have colitis or a kidney stone that hasn't moved yet and doesn't show on an x-ray. I was sent home with some pain meds and told to come back if the pain get worse. How much is worse? Tell me it's not my heart...



to be continued

Time-out Tuesday...

Jeff and Lauren

This is my boy. The one who gave me life. The one who makes me laugh. The one who makes my heart sing and my soul breathe.

He works in Hospice and I am sure his patients lives are touched by his generous heart.

Soon he will marry the love of his life, Lauren, and we are thrilled to add this beautiful woman into our lives and our family.

Today is Jeffrey's birthday, and I am so proud of the man that he has become.

Happy, Happy Birthday Baby!!

Listen to your heart...

I think that most women are in touch with their bodies and know quite quickly when something is "off." We may not know exactly what it is but we are well aware of that feeling of doom and dread and the possibility of what that feeling brings.

In the summer of 2003 I began experiencing this "feeling." I could not put it to words or a specific symptom. One day in June I was running around doing my usual errands. I was a little tired but being diabetic that was no surprise. Being tired is just a way of life with diabetes. You learn to live with it and pace your day around the level of tiredness. This however was different. I went over to Curves for one of my three-times-a-week workout. I had been going there about a year and really enjoyed exercising to the music and people that I had come to know. It was during my workout, a 30-minute regimen, that I noticed the feeling of tiredness change. It was a deeper, heavier, light-headedness feeling. (those symptoms could also be caused by low blood sugar but mine checked out o.k.) My legs feeling a little odd I decided to stop. I've never had to stop early. By the time I got home I was feeling better but was still haunted by the feelings of doom. Not exactly a symptom you can take to your doctor...at least I didn't think so at the time.**

to be continued tomorrow...

**after talking to several women at cardiac rehab, who had survived a heart-attack, they also told stories of having that feeling of "doom" as their first symptom and also the feeling of embarrassment as to reporting this to their doctor.

Red Velvet Goodness

my husband, baseball nut, decided to bake me a cake for Valentine's Day. This is a first, as he is not a measuring, sifting, mixing batter kind of guy. Baseball batter yes, cake batter, not so much. He found a recipe in the paper and decided to go for it......Red Velvet Cake. After a quick stop to pick up the ingredients, he was off to the kitchen to whip up some magic. I could hear him out there mixing away and my mind wandered to the lovliness that is cake. Being diabetic, cake is not often something I indulge in, except during birthday season. In fact, we don't even have cake pans in our house.....whoops,... something I should have mentioned to bb-nut. I came into the kitchen just as he was putting two casserole bowls of cake batter into the oven, remarking how good it looked. He replied that it would have been alot easier if we only had a mixer, you know all that hand-mixing is w.o.r.k. I told him we have three mixers and showed him where they are kept. Oh well, it's done now. The cakes had been baking about ten minutes when he realized that he forgot to put the sugar in. Considering, for a moment, that there was vinegar, cocoa powder, and buttermilk in the batter, he decided he should add the sugar. Out came the pans, and back into the bowl went the batter. Now the mixer was brought out and the sugar added and the lovely red goodness was put back in the oven. It didn't take long for that litle red velvet goodie to cook and soon it was out of the oven and covered in cream cheese frosting. There was even a sprinkling of rose petals on top. Is that l.o.v.e. or what? I'm telling you, that was the most delicious, deliciousness i've ever had. See the beautiful red layers??? and the lucious frosting??? and just look at those rose petals???? I am one lucky mrs. baseball nut, I tell ya.

Heartfelt Friday...

what lies behind us

and what lies before us

are tiny matters compared

to what lies within us.

walt emerson

When you wish upon a star...

It's been a rough couple of weeks medically at our place. Of all the things that are going on, all the things I could complain about or wish for (and there are many, not only for myself) right now I would just like for the "sinus fairy" to come by and make my day a little easier. Thank you and good nite.

44-pound cat...

I don't know where this picture was taken but I can't help wondering why someone would let this happen?

Q and A...my way...

I thought that it was time for a little Q&A, but not your typical q&a where you ask me questions and I try like heck to find some kind of interesting or witty answer. NO this time I would like to ask you the questions. I'll try to keep it somewhere between "How do we fix the financial crisis?" and "How can we change the world?," o.k.? These are things I struggle with often so I really appreciate any help you can give:

• how much do you really want to know about my heart attack? Just a generalized "these were my symptoms" to a full-blown account from start to finish, or somewhere in between?
• why can't I make the linky thingy work? here's what I do: hi-lite the word, click on the link icon, type in the complete url, hit o.k.... this never works for me.
• how can I do strikthroughs? I just think they are the best and I can't wait to learn how! (I'll try not to abuse it, I promise)
• do y'all have hobbies besides blogging? I really need something interesting to keep me busy on these dreary days. What is your hobby?
• how can I make this blog better? Seriously, I feel like I have nothing to say and I'm amazed that y'all come here. What do you want to know?

Thank you for 'helping' me and did I tell y'all that you mean so much to me and I have so much fun reading your blogs/comments. Thanks for being here :)

A long, cool, drink...

of lemonade! Helen over at Reddirt Woman has awarded me with the Lemonade award for attitude/gratitude. And baby, I'm full of both! Thank you Helen. As always there are some rules and I need to pass this on but I have some thinking to do first....I'll let you know soon. Meanwhile...I'm gonna have a sip and think about all the wonderful bloggers who make my life so happy and dream of spring....

It's a new day...oh well...yeah...

Heartfelt Friday

The only difference

between stumbling blocks

and stepping stones

is how you use them.

unknown

Knowledge is P.O.W.E.R....

Tomorrow Friday, Feb. 6th, is Wear Red Day in support of women's heart disease programs.
Did you know? Right now 8million American women are living with heart disease. When it comes to heart disease there are many factors that can influence your risk, some of them you can control, some of them can control you.

Risks you can control:
High blood pressure
High blood cholesterol
Diabetes
Smoking
Being overweight
Being inactive

Risks you cannot control:
Family history : if your father or brother had a heart attack before age 55, or your mother or sister before age 65 you are at a higher risk.
Age (55+ for women!! ) after menopause women are more apt to get heart disease in part because their body's production of estrogen drops. Women who have gone through early menopause because of hysterectomy are twice as likely to develop heart disease as women of the same age who have not yet gone through menopause. Middle age women also tend to develop other risk factors ie: obesity.
Race/ethnicity African-American, Hispanic and Native American women are all at greater risk and are also more likely to have other contributing risk factors such as high blood pressure and high cholesterol.

It is vital that you know your numbers: (believe me I know that which I speaketh)
total cholesterol---<200mg/dl
LDL "bad"---<100dl
HDL "good"---50mg/dl or higher
triglycerides---<150mg/dl
blood pressure---120/80
fasting glucose---<100mg/dl
body mass index---<25

waist circumference---<35inches

Take the Go Red Heart Check-up here. (goredforwomen.org)

Next week I will tell my heart attack survival story. Believe me it is not a place you want to visit. It will surprise you.

Sick day Lucy...

I was born and raised in a strict Catholic family. We went to catechism on Wednesday, ate fish on Friday, and went to Mass on Sunday. We also went to the social after Mass and ate donuts and drank fruit punch. We woke every morning to our mother singing "rise and shine," and we wanted to scream. We shopped twice a year for clothes and shoes and wore saddle shoes to school. We ate cottage cheese and brown sugar sandwiches and loved it. We played card games and board games and always kept track of who had won last. We bowled. We went on vacation every year and didn't have a clue how lucky we were. I took baton lessons. We went out for Hamburgers once a month on payday. We did chores every Saturday morning. We spent hours at the library. We lined up according to height every Christmas morning and the shortest person always got to go first. The shortest person was always the youngest person...we were seventeen years apart. I never went first. We played "Queen for the Day," and got new pajamas every birthday. We prayed at every meal, at bedtime, and in every natural disaster. We prayed and cried when the President was shot. We rode our bicycles until dark only stopping to dodge tumble weeds. We ran around the yard with sparklers when there were days of celebrations. We ate three squares a day and had desert on Sunday. We watched "Laugh In" and the "Friday Nite Fights." We drank Tab. We lined up on Saturday mornings to have our hair washed in the big sink. We had a dog named Queenie. And on sick days from school we made a fort in the living room, ate dry toast and drank hot tea, and watched "I Love Lucy".......

One Shining Moment

At the Presidential Inauguration, a couple of weeks ago, there were over two million people who watched it live. Two million plus people were gathered in one place, in the blowing, biting, bitter cold for hours waiting to watch history. Whether or not you are in favor of his politics you must admit that is amazing. Even more so is the fact that not one person was arrested. Not. one. single. person. What does this say about our people?