"the nicest and the sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens, but just those that bring simple pleasure, following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string."
Lucy Maud Montgomery

Monday, January 26, 2009

Ball of confusion...

A few months ago, in a meme, I told of having a brother that's been missing for quite some time. That time would be eight years. He is older than me by seven years and left home when he was nineteen. It seems that none of us siblings, my brother and sister being younger, really had a chance to get to know him. He never married but had a common law wife and lived in the mountains in Arizona. One night, the night after Christmas, eight years ago he left their home and was not seen nor heard from. Being a mountainous area and icy, snowy roads, we all assumed that something horrible had happened but no one could find him, and there was no reason to think he had been in an accident....I felt sad, and scared.

As time passed and my feelings of sadness grew I had other feelings that were taking over. I was angry and confused and needed to know what had happened. I needed to know where he was. I kept thinking that perhaps he was hurt and didn't remember us. Maybe he was dead...I had to know...and so my husband and I made plans to go to New Mexico and look for him. He had a house there years ago that was now empty and we wondered if he was there, if he was in the area. I know we had no real plan but it seemed like we were doing something...I felt scared, and angry...and hopeful.

We didn't get the chance to go as my health deteriorated and traveling was difficult. My younger siblings seemed incredibly withdrawn from the situation having no desire to "search" nor help in any way. Again....I felt angry and confused...I wondered if they would look for me if I disappeared. Sadly, the answer seemed no.

Three years ago he called to wish me a Happy Birthday. No explanation, no apologies, just a "Happy Birthday", an 'I'm o.k." and "good-by." I felt relieved, and sad, and angry again. And I cried like never before.

Our relationship has not always been an easy one. Our age difference has always gotten in the way and I always felt like the "younger sister." I suppose I've always made my sister feel that way in return. ( We are six years apart and my younger brother and I are nine years apart.) My memories of him being in charge of us are not pleasant ones. My parents did not go out often but I can remember having my goldfish thrown down the garbage disposal, having to drink hot sauce, being locked outside in a thunderstorm, and various oddities when he was in charge. He often told me in later years that I was the worst thing that ever happened to him. At our Father's funeral he told me he wished I was the one that died...he felt I was more disposable and would be grieved far less. I felt sick...I felt devastated...I felt angry...and I cried and cried. I am crying now in fact.

Just a few days before Christmas he called. Again no explanations for the last eight years, no apology, but a longer conversation. I now know where he is living and what he is doing. I know a little bit about his health, and his girlfriend, and his battles. He wants to come up for a visit, if I can help him. He wants to see the sibs and hang-out and tell stories of when we lived in New York. He's planning to be here in about a month---for a week. I said o.k....I feel sick...I feel angry...I feel relieved...I feel confused...I don't want him to come here...I don't know why I said yes...He said he loved me...

15 comments:

  1. HUGSSSSSSSS and prayers and more HUGS

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  2. Wow. Stay safe whatever you do. He does sound like he needs help.

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  3. It sounds like there are a lot of issues there, and I hope you are very, very careful.

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  4. Oh, that's a tough situation. He sounds so very ill and I do wonder what is motivating him. I will pray for you. Have courage and do what is best for you.

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  5. Oh JJ. I don't have a good feeling here. I am in agreement with MPM and ME--stay safe and be very, very careful. It truly does sound like he is in need of help, but way beyond anything you or any other family member can give.

    Always take care of you...

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  6. I have no advice to give but know that I am praying for your safety and peace of mind.

    Hallie

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  7. Oh Jojo, this worries me. I want you to be safe and do nothing that doesn't feel right. Please be very very careful. Sounds like he needs more help than you can give him.

    ILY

    God Bless~
    Debbie

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  8. You agreed because you need closure. I'm glad you have this opportunity. You're in my prayers that angels will be at your side as you are around him.

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  9. JoJo, you said yes because you needed to see him for whatever reason. Just be safe.

    To take your mind off it for a bit, run over and check out my give-away.

    Guardian angels being sent your way.

    Helen

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  10. Oh sweetie, if your feelings about this are making you feel so ill, my suggestion is that you forgo the visit. You don't have to say yes. He has not earned the right to just pop in on your life! He is a stranger who shares some of the same DNA as you, that's all. Always, always go with your gut feeling. If you do, you will know what the answer is.

    Big hugs,
    Debbie

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  11. Thank you all for your good thoughts and comments. I know that you are right but in my heart I still struggle. It's family and you don't turn your back on family...that's the way I was raised. I don't know...ack..jj

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  12. Joanne You said yes because of the family bond, which does'nt allow you to say no, despite issues of DNA. Its the way you are. Beautiful. Gnick

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  13. That had to be hard to share-what a difficult time you must of had wondering all those years-now this! I too agree closure is good-connections are good and it is family-but there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries and being cautious. I know even family can suck the life out of us.
    Praying for you as well as your family. You have a heart of Gold!
    Stay well and safe.
    Tracy

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  14. This must be very confusing for you. It sounds as if your brother might have some issues. Take care of yourself okay?

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  15. Possibly he wants to make amends for what he's put you through. Possibly not. I think you said yes because, as Ness said, you need closure.

    Prayers speeding heavenward. Use caution and make sure that others know when he's arriving.

    Blessings,
    Mary

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